i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
