hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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