I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
