Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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