Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
