Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
