Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
