this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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