Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
