Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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