Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
