Yo dont text me then not text me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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