I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
