I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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