the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
