Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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