Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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