she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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