you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
