he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
