I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
