Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will be naked everywhere
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
