I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
