My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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