im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
