Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
