So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
