I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
