Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
