thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
whose parrot is this?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
