Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
