my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
