I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
