I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
