Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
