remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
