My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
