and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I need water and some morals
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
