I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
