WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
