I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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