dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
