I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
