theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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