just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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