True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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