i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
