he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
