i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
