I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
operation have a gay friend backfired
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
