the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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