I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
accomplished twins. life is a go
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
